Ep. 4: Feeling is healing
Jill: Welcome to the listen or don't podcast. A podcast featuring raw, uncut and unfiltered conversations between two midlife girlfriends sharing their life experiences. Listen or don't, either way, we'll be fine. Now with your friends, Jill and Shakira.
Shakira: Hiiiiii.
Jill: Hi love. How are you?
Shakira: Alright, we're kicking this off.
Jill: We are kicking this off. And we talked about you a couple of episodes ago pre episode, we were talking about some fun ways that you have started building connection. And I loved your question. Where are you right now?
Shakira: Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, I want to say where I got this from. But already, I'm like, oh, you know, there's that vulnerable tag. So, I went through a really rough period and the early pande. And that rough period led me to taking some time off of work and getting some help. And during that time off of work, I was in a lot of therapy, and that therapy included group therapy, and in that group therapy session, a takeaway for me that I found really helpful. And then I still use in order to connect with myself is to ask myself, what is my mood rating for today? 0 to 100. Along with that, I will use a few adjectives to describe what I'm feeling. You know, tired is a little bland, which I could say easily, you know, or fine, I'm fine. Like, that's not really a description of self. But it could be something like joyful or excited or fearful or anxious or whatever. There are a couple of other questions that I would ask myself, you know, around that to kind of ground myself into like, well, who am I meeting today? You know, if I was brushing my teef and look, teef, I said teeth with an f. Brushing my teef and looking in the mirror. I think I kind of like to start when I'm feeling really disconnected from myself with those questions.
Jill: I love that. Thank you. I appreciate you being vulnerable with me. And with our, you know, people that may or
Shakira: may or may not be listening. Yeah.
Jill: Because we're still fine. We're still fine.
Shakira: We're fine. I'm fine.
Jill: Yeah, right. Um, all right. So what's your mood rating?
Shakira: Today, I would put myself at, I put myself at a 75 out of 100 in the mood rating. So maybe that's a C+. Yeah, something like that.
Jill: Yeah. C's get degrees.
Shakira: C's get degrees. I'm getting there. I'm getting there it is, you know, right now I'm in California, and it is 2:12. The look you're given me.
Jill: I know, you're such a bitch.
Shakira: The look. Same look I got from my team like I was saying. So it's about two o'clock here. It's still early in the afternoon. The sun is shining. You know, I think if anything that if that's sort of making that C a C and not maybe a B is that it's a Tuesday, I just got off of work. The time change is, it's it's something I never thought it would be that big of a deal. But um, my body is taken a little time to adjust to the early morning. And just the work schedule being on central time at work versus, yeah.
Jill: Right. But now here you are. Your team is just getting done and you are now done.
Shakira: Yes. Yes. All great things.
Jill: Yeah. And so now you kind of have the rest of your night. Would you rather have your night or your morning?
Shakira: That's a great question. Because I feel like I was developing such a routine at home in the morning. That rolling out of bed essentially into work is maybe one of the things that's you know, been a little tough for me to adjust to. And I'm also recognizing how big of an impact the very little things have, that I do every day on my mood. How I'm moving, what I'm saying, what I'm thinking, the connection with myself. Oop, Jack agrees.
Jill: Even though he gets the beach in the sunshine, he still would rather he had his mom doing her morning routine as well. This is having an impact on me too.
Shakira: It's absolutely having an impact on him. I can't tell if he wants to eat, if he wants to shit, if he wants to go for a walk. Yeah, the little things do sort of, you know, they make up a lot more than I anticipated. Or maybe that I've recognized to have an impact on my day to day and yeah, so that's that's been a realization, but overall, I'd say pretty good today. I mean, I complain, but who's gonna listen?
Jill: I mean, I'm listening. This is why I'm here. And not just because we're doing a podcast, right? Because the thing that I do thoroughly enjoy about this is that we get to talk to each other all the time now. Not that we couldn't before, but for whatever reason, we just didn't. So now it's just like, Oh, now we get a better excuse. Okay, so how are you feeling?
Shakira: Contemplative. Been doing a lot of thinking, you know why? It's because my neighbor is behind me opening things. Hold on one second. I'm gonna shut that. Sorry. Sorry. Everybody at home.
Jill: They can't see you. I'll just do a little, a little ditty here. About Jack and Diane. And that's all I got. Because I don't know the rest of the words. Two American kids in the heartland. All right. Nope. Yeah, that sounds right. Doing the best that they can.
Shakira: Oh, yeah, life goes on. We could just do this for the entire podcast.
Jill: No, no, we're not going to pivot like that again. Not today.
Shakira: Roll it back. You're right, because it could go left. All right. I'm feeling contemplative. Yes. I think that's probably the word that's sticking to me right now. There's a little bit of anxiety, which feels less about like anxiety in the way that I have been used to it. But more of a dis-ease, like an unease with wanting to stay present. There's a little bit of like this desire for more of something, a little bit of this desire to want to fill whatever void, I can't articulate at the moment, but I'm looking for something to fill it. I was looking for something to fill it in the form of a little dating app that should go unnamed. Last night,
Jill: Mama's got an itch that needs to be scratched. Well, I mean, you are in a new city.
Shakira: I'm in a new city. I'm in this, you know, this relation Wow. So that's seems loaded? I like it. situation. And luckily, it is all it's all very new. It's all very new, all very open, which is great, great communication. And but there's still there's a little something. So I'm Before you respond to that, do you want to tell me where you're definitely, yeah, I'm doing a lot of contemplation about where I am. And if it's where I want to be. And you know, if not, then how can I let go of wanting to manipulate and control the future in the way that I want it to be. at?
Jill: Sure. Um. Mood rating on a scale of 1 to 100. I feel like asked this question earlier, I would have probably been around 55, 60.
Shakira: That's real talk.
Jill: Yeah. But I feel like over the last hour and a half now, because I met with my life coach. And now with chatting with you. I feel like I'm going upwards in my in my 80s. I know. So, yeah, I'm feeling good. And I probably shouldn't even say like, I'm not going to validate my 40 to 50. Like, I'm not going to justify. I'm just I'm owning my I'm owning my 40 to 50. Feeling. I liked your word contemplative. What's, what was the word? I had a word in my head while I was listening to you. But then I decided that I wanted to listen to you rather than thinking about myself.
Shakira: I like that. I mean, I like you thinking about yourself, but I also need to do the same. Keep going.
Jill: I just keep repurposing the words contemplative like to questioning or pondering?
Shakira: Yeah, keep it. It's yours now. We can share it.
Jill: Considering feeling I feel like I need a feeling list.
Shakira: Those are great. I used to have one. If I find it, I'll send it to you.
Jill: I do have one. I would just have to do a little Google search here on my drive.
Shakira: Isn't it interesting that we have a tough time articulating our feelings with words? And don't you think it's important for us to articulate our feelings with words. Because otherwise what are you doing?
Jill: Well, that and I feel I feel like whenever you go to like any sort of like talk therapy, people are always asking you how you feel. And you're right. We say fine. We say okay, we say good. But we never really have the actual word and really are able to articulate it as I am right now. Like I'm living example of not being able to articulate a feeling word.
Shakira: Yeah, I haven't had a I've had a hard time maybe. I forgot about the feelings, like the feelings list. I've had a hard time verbalizing what I'm feeling. And I'm lucky enough to be in community with others who are able to verbalize how they're feeling in a way where I'm I can sort of oh, that's the word. You know, like you said that I'm kind of, like you, like you've mentioned contemn contemplative like, oh, yeah, that's, that's at the tip of my tongue, you know, and it kind of generates a little bit more, more thought around it. But I don't know, that lack of ability for me to articulate those words as fluidly as I would like to, I think could impact the way that I am intimate with or not intimate with and in community with other people. I definitely want to isolate myself as a result of not being able to articulate my feelings, and also wanting to keep them, you know, I don't want to want the judgment, like you were saying, like, I'm not gonna judge for the 40 or 50, that I am right now. I'm just I wish that I was like, that's just what it was. I don't have to do anything else with it. It's just the fact.
Jill: I like that. And I feel like when you were talking about like, being intimate with others, it also feels like intimacy with myself. Using it as a way like you like how we open this, like building connection, but you are utilizing that to build connection to yourself. So when we think about, okay, well, how am I feeling to be able to articulate it to myself to then be able to actually sit with myself and feel it. In myself. Right? to then know, okay, well, do I want to dig deeper on this? Or do I want to just know that this is how it is right now. And I've got X, Y, and Z that I'm going to get to that might help adjust it or might help shift it? Like, so I feel like it kind of brings a little bit of a self awareness.
Shakira: Right. Right. That desire, I don't want to desire necessarily, but that need that I have that pull that it is a desire for me to want to, you know, air, quote, fix whatever the feeling is, if the feeling doesn't align with how I think other people would want me to feel is real strong. It's really strong. So for example, when you asked me how I was feeling, like in the span of point two, five seconds, I was like, why should probably say that I'm good, because I had the privilege of being here in California, where it's really warm. You know, and thank God, I have that ability for doing this for a pretty lengthy amount of time, or more time than I've ever been able to sort of, you know, be the Snowbird. I have this really nice place, I'm super, you know, I'm feet of the beach, just got off of that walk, I can be done with work. And so like all the things that I should be grateful for, and that I am grateful for, and in fact, go over my gratitude list and have this morning, I sent a gratitude list to another girlfriend. She's much more consistent then I am I'd say I do it five times a week where she's daily. Thank God for that. But I found myself already in that 2.5 seconds, judging the truth of maybe where the feeling is, and wanting to change it right away. And I think it's twofold. One, you can change those feelings, right? Like, if there's a certain sort of bad feeling, I feel like I have tools or I know what it is that I need to do in order to support myself, maybe more so than change. But it does require me to take action rather than sitting in the feeling. And that is sometimes tricky.
Jill: Yeah. Because I feel like in. So two things. The interesting thing that I heard you say, when you were talking about how your original, how you felt about it, and then within 2.5 seconds, you wanted to change it, the word that you use in there was should, right, so I hate the word should, like I feel like it, I feel like it is the word that gets in our way the most. Because it's about somebody else. It's about something else. It's not about anything to do with us. And then the second thing that I totally lost, it was gonna be so profound. I mean, the good one was, I think just got so big. Okay, let me let me see if I saved that in my heart. It's gone. It'll come back when it needs to come back.
Shakira: I love should though. I do like that. It is about someone else. I never considered that. When I'm saying that word. I just know that it's something I shouldn't say. There you go.
Jill: And why? Why shouldn't you say it? Right? It's because somebody else doesn't like it or because it's about somebody else. So true. And yeah, I mean, you have your privilege and you're still entitled to your feelings, which I love. This gratitude list is great. This is a great idea. I enjoy that. I did find the feelings wheel. It has all of the different colors. So you've got your reds, you've got oranges, your yellows, your greens, your blues and your purples. So it just kind of depends upon if you're feeling mad, and there's all these feeling words that go along with mad, scared, joyful, powerful, peaceful or sad. So yeah, contemplative isn't a word that's in here, but it's a feeling like I'm not going to take that away from you. Yeah, have your feelings, own your feelings. I'm just continuing to peruse this list to see where I was at. You want to talk about what made you a 40 or 50. I was a 40 or 50 this morning, because I'm finishing up our house projects of remodeling and having to clean out the office, get the carpet laid, and then put it all back together was on my project list today. So as much as I was excited about that, it also causes me a little bit of angst, by having the house in disarray, because I like to have everything has a place, everything has a purpose. So when it's scattered, I feel scattered. Which is what I posted about last week on my blog, chaos on the outside chaos on the inside. So today that ends and now the exciting thing happens in the middle of March when my cousin Bradley comes and we're going to redecorate my house. And so I'm really excited.
Shakira: So the chaos is both ends.
Jill: Absolutely, absolutely. But it's done. I can handle everybody else's chaos. But when it comes to my own chaos, I don't I don't like it. I flourish off of everybody else's chaos. Here let's fix that. Let me look at your house, don't look at mine.
Shakira: Yeah, I can relate to that. Okay, well, that's not to put judgment on you, you're 40 or 50. I wanted to say that's fair. More so the what I should be saying is thank you for sharing that. I can relate 100% to chaos, both being on the inside and the outside. And maybe if I was to look at it from that lens, I would say part of my unease is in the adjustment of this not being my home, this not being my time zone, you know, a lot of the things I have going on both work aren't necessarily my things, they're new in the sense of my jobs taking a much more strategic focus, I don't have a lot of the same support in the way that I had when I was working towards this particular career. And by support I mean, really like the mentorship, you know, that I that I used to have now it's Oh, no, your seat, you're at the table, you know? Yeah. So there's a lot of imposter syndrome, I think happening. And second guessing that's happening. Like, I don't really know what you guys are talking about, which I love saying that I don't I say I don't know, every day. But there comes a point when I have to know. And I feel as if there's a little bit of an expectation that I'm probably putting more so on myself that well, if you don't know you should.
Jill: And here's the should word again. Yeah, insecure. Yeah. And like you said, it's it's you're giving yourself that expectation more than likely the people at the table. Obviously, you have the job that you have, because the people at the table know that you are worthy of that space at the table. Otherwise, you wouldn't be at the table. Correct?
Shakira: Yeah, that and I know deep down that I'm really fucking good at what I do.
Jill: Yeah, you are. You are really fucking good at what you
Shakira: I'm really, really good at it. I have room to grow. We do. all have room to grow. Absolutely. I kill shit. I'm so good.
Jill: There's the confidence. So you just need to take that confidence and bring it to your new space that you're in for the next, you know, you're there for the next what, five weeks?
Shakira: Yeah, this actually comes back to the whole action piece that I think you were trying me to react to that I wasn't able to because I was cracking up over the technical difficulties. Part of getting used to this new space means taking some action and things that I don't want to do so not letting my feelings overwhelm the need to do the things that I know what actually keep me from feeling the way that I feel. So for example, making sure that I without question, get off the fucking TikTok and into bed at a decent hour to get up at 4:45 in order to make it to the gym at five, which is no problem because I did it at home and to work out for 90 minutes to come home to eat the breakfast to take the dog out and to be online by 6am which is technically 8am Central, which again, is what I did when I went home to make the bed to take the shower.
Jill: I think it's it's you're not on vacation, right like you ou have just changed where you're living for the next six weeks. So you can treat it as a vacation on the weekends because you're exploring and your free time right but during X amount of hours during your day like this is the shift that I need to do to continue with my privilege and to continue to feel good with myself and to enjoy my 75.
Shakira: Yeah, exactly that I have some just pushing through and doing the setup those little things like I was saying before that make all the difference in taking away the thought process or the anxiety that I would have to get the big things done.
Jill: give yourself a little bit of grace. Go find what it is that you need to scratch the itch. Whatever that might be. And enjoy.
Shakira: Yeah, yeah. As you're saying that I'm looking here dead at your face wanting to say the same thing. Because this is exactly where you are saying you love everyone elses shit. Dust buster and swiffer it all day. Yeah, back right back at your girl. Right back atcha.
Jill: Hey thanks.
Shakira: Yeah. Are you as drained as I am right now, too?
Jill: Um, no, I'm actually feeling quite energetic over my conversation that I had with my life coach. Yeah, yeah, we got some big plans. Yeah, I decided to extend. Yeah, yeah, I decided to extend with my life coach. Because A, he's fantastic. He's really fantastic. We have great relationships. So I'm excited. I'm really excited. But yeah. What else? What? So how do you how do you want to wrap up? Like, what do you what do you want to wrap up with tonight?
Shakira: Yeah, sorry, this might be a dud of a podcast.
Jill: Not at all. This was a this was actually a really good one. I love this. I like this, to be able to, like, tap into my mood, understand how I'm feeling? What's your takeaway?
Shakira: You know, I think the permission and give myself some grace. The permission to let go of any expectations of what I want from a day to day basis. The permission to be contemplative, and consider my intentions without being so tied to my expectation. So the difference between my will and a will bigger than me. Yeah, I'm thinking of the book rest is resistance right now. And how I do have it with me, and I absolutely can crack it open and spend some time with it while I'm here.
Jill: Lovely. So good. So good.
Shakira: What do you take away? Jill?
Jill: What am I taking away? I'm having this problem tonight, where I'm asking you things I can't come up with for myself. I'm taking away the idea of bringing this into my morning routine, right of asking myself this, right, because we've talked about how this would be fun for the podcast. But it was just like, I want to implement this. And this is something super easy to do right away in the morning. Like when you look in the mirror, like you said when you're brushing your teeth, is to understand my mood, give my feeling a name, and let it land in my body to see if it's how it feels in there. And then decide, I like how you say like, what's that intention then for the day? Like, what's my intention moving forward as I know, how I'm actually feeling in my body. So I give myself that opportunity to connect my mind, my body and my soul, and then be with that, and whatever that looks like.
Shakira: How do you support that? That feeling.
Jill: Ooh, support. I love that word. You keep using that. That's awesome support that.
Shakira: feeling today how do I support it? I don't have to change it but I do want to give it some love in there for me some love. So yeah, I'll do that. I'll take that away. As a goal for tomorrow morning. Hell, right now Jill. Right now. After this podcast. I'm gonna sit down at the beach.
Jill: Yeah, nice way to whisper that. thank you
Shakira: I'm gonna ask myself, what would be supportive? What will be supportive right now? Yeah.
Jill: Love it. All right. Well, thanks friends for tuning into this episode of the listen or don't podcast with your friends Jill and Shakira. We hope you enjoyed the conversation and if so, please leave us a review and share it with your friends. For more information on this podcast. You can check us out at Jilldahler.com Make it a great day.
Shakira: Love you. Bye.
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