Ep.11: There's Choice in Resistance

Jill: And this is how we start. We start with giggles and laughter. I like it. Alright my love. How are you feeling today? What's the mood?

Shakira: Let's see. I feel pretty good today. I'm going to give myself a 75. I feel like maybe even 77 a little better than average.

Jill: I like it. I like it a C+, if you will.

Shakira: Yeah, I give myself a very high C+, maybe even a B-. I keep going up.

Jill: Anything in particular?

Shakira: Well, I'm definitely excited about early close tomorrow at the office. Despite it being a pretty stressful few weeks with work and you know, a lot of org. changes and shit like that this week felt very manageable. Now, a lot of it is because I chose manageability instead of the violence I typically choose at work. Or have been choosing.

Jill: I like the choice. Yes, manageability.

Shakira: Yep, this is what I can do. This is what I'm not going to do today. Some people call it procrastination. I call it manageability.

Jill: I like the new perspective.

Shakira: Yep. So that helped a lot. I'm feeling very contemplative, would be how I would describe where I'm at if that's a word to describe myself.

Jill: I think I'm cool 90 today.

Shakira: Oh, damn. I can feel it.

Jill: I'm pretty pumped up.

Shakira: I can fucking tell.

Jill: Ah, yeah. So I went to a hot vinyasa power class tonight.

Shakira: You're still here.

Jill: I'm still here. Haven't done one of those in four years, a hot class. And like I texted you when I got started, right before I got started just sitting there on the mat. I'm like, oh my god, I think I just felt my spleen and my pancreas die. Because it was so hot. And there was a lot of things that I discovered about myself in that class. So there was a lot of things that were happening. I survived, which was delightful. Yeah, it was just a really great rejuvenator. And I just got done, like doing my newsletter to the community as well. And yeah, it sounded like I might have been a little coked up, but I obviously wasn't.

Shakira: Was it the result of the class that got you feeling on the up and up?

Jill: I think that was part of it. But I also am loving that it's spring. You know what happens? You've been in Minnesota before for several years. You know what happens on that day, when the hope shines, and everybody just sees the light. This is like, you know, it's gonna be 50 tomorrow. It's gonna be 60 this weekend. It's gonna be 70 on Monday through Wednesday. It's just like fucking over.

Shakira: I can feel the energy through the screen from you. Thank God.

Jill: I know. I'm super excited. Things are going very, very well in my life. So feeling good about it, even though I do probably smell like a fast food dumpster in a hot summer day. But that's okay. I didn't have a chance to go home and shower before we started this, but that's alright. It's just me in this office space. Smelling like a hot dumpster fire.

Shakira: Yeah, you're glowing. And I like your glasses. I forgot to tell you that before we started. Very cute.

Jill: I got a bit of a obsession with readers. But that's okay.

Shakira: I'm in progressives now, by the way.

Jill: You talked about this. So these are the new ones. Like I told you earlier. I like the new rims.

Shakira: I tried to ride my bike home after I got them and big mistake.

Jill: Doesn't sound good at all. Don't they usually tell you to have a ride home?

Shakira: No, they didn't say a ride. They just said don't wear them. You know, if you're driving. That's what they said. Don't wear them if your driving. They didn't say anything about a bike ride if we're getting technical.

Jill: Technically, you're driving something.

Shakira: I was like, I'm fine. Totally fine. No, it was dangerous. Very dangerous. So I'm kind of getting used to what angle you know, I need to be looking especially walking down stairs.

Jill: Yeah, and you've got those narrow fucking stairs going down too.

Shakira: Yeah, yeah, I've almost ate it a lot. A lot. Um, but thank you. Yeah, very nice.

Jill: I like them a lot.

Shakira: You said that there were some things that you learned about yourself in your yoga class. I'm always interested in looking for inspiration to get back into my body in that way. What did you learn, Jill?

Jill: Well, I'll start from the beginning of class. It was super exciting to watch regular practicing Yogi's in their body, and in movement in motion. That was kind of fun. You know, there was people that I mean, Power Yoga is the repetitive sequence. So not much changes, but you can definitely see it in people sculpted bodies and how they move and what they do. You know, so I was watching a guy do various handstands, and I was just like, oh, this dudes working it. All right, you know. So it's kind of fascinating just to see. I was surprised by how well my breath still moves from pose to pose, and not feeling out of breath. Like I thought I was going to because I thought, like I said, I thought it was probably going to die. Because like I said, I haven't done so long. And hot classes are not usually for me. But there was just something refreshing about releasing the toxins through the heated sweat. And then, as we were going through the class, because it's repetition, and that was also the lineage that I learned for my yoga teacher training. It felt very comfortable to get back into that flow again. And it's like, my body just knew where to go. So we felt really natural. I felt comfortable and okay with doing my practice, and not necessarily doing what everybody else was doing. So that felt really good. I stayed mentally and visually on my mat, and not really paying attention to what everybody else was doing, or being concerned with what people would see me doing in my practice, like I kind of didn't give a fuck, which that was refreshing. I got a little resentful during class thinking about my yoga teacher training and how learning the power vinyasa flow felt very restrictive on my creativity, of being able to develop a class, based on what felt good to me or being able to switch the class based on what I saw in students. Quickly, I got out of that resentment, of what I learned and appreciative of being able to broaden my horizons, the way that I did when I had my yoga studio and being able to connect with students and create a class because I really realized in also this class tonight that I miss that creativity piece. And I think that that's where my creativity likes to come out. And like I was able to play with it more teaching a class and developing a class. I missed being touched with assisting

Shakira: Uh, yeah, keep talking.

Jill: God, I just wanted it, like the whole time. I'm like, please come touch me. Please come touch me. So yeah, there was a lot of things that I learned and discovered in my one hour class.

Shakira: Wow. Yeah, you did. As you were talking, I had to jot this down. So I didn't forget it. It's almost like you were dancing between being a student and being a teacher in class. And you could see, you know, the, I love the curiosity that you brought to the whole hour. I'm thinking about what I'm getting from this and what it feeds as far as creativity and I can be in my own bubble of my own space. And really, enjoy being in my own practice while sharing space with others. And, I feel resentment towards what I experienced in my training, that didn't feel like it gave me permission to be free. And the creativity piece that you enjoy. And so much of this feels like a mirror for other conversations we've had and also so too about life journeys in general.

Jill: Well, it was funny. Because the teacher Erica, who is a friend of mine that I met through yoga teacher training. I assisted her in her program. I intentionally went to that studio, because we talked about this a couple of weeks ago about being in community, having that craving for community. I had intentionally went out to say, Okay, there's three teachers as of right now that I want to experience yoga with. So I'm going to go out of my way to take one of their classes because I want to be in community with them. And I want to experience them again, as a teacher, because one of them I haven't, and two of them, it's been just a really long time. So I intentionally went for that and one of the things Erica said tonight was, when we're in a pose, she was talking about the resistance that might be showing up and you have a choice. What's your choice in that resistance? So exactly what you were talking about in what I was thinking about that initial resentment, it was more of the resistance to my experience and what it was that I learned. And then I switched that into well, I'm still extremely grateful for that, because it a) got me to where I am now. And b) it's not like there wasn't a lot of creativity that could have been expressed. It's just that I didn't choose to do it in that way. I chose to do it a different way.

Shakira: Yeah, God so much here that you said that made me think of like, just you, again, you moving through life. And as I know, you, which is a person who I would say in the most recent years is becoming less attached to a blueprint. And more attached or moving towards faith. That teacher training the way that you've described it before, it felt very much like this is your blueprint, like this is your is the map, and you follow the map and you get the result, right? The expectation is set from the minute you, you started, and it feels a lot like your journey has shifted towards trusting the inner blueprint without seeing a true path or you're not seeing the clarity of like an end result. I guess, if that makes sense? Yeah, it's interesting.

Jill: That's part of what's part of the glow. For today.

Shakira: You look free.

Jill: I feel free. I don't smell free. But I feel free.

Shakira: Your experience is inspiring for me. One, because I tend to shy away still from yoga. I think there's some healing to do in my relationship with yoga practice. And I'm not ready to touch it yet. But it's there. Like it's it's not going away. Sometimes that's how I feel about my cello. Like I see you over there. Just a reminder. We'll chat, when it's time.

Jill: I see you. I'll play with you when I'm ready.

Shakira: But there is something else that you said that really did trigger a thought. And I lost it. Because it's been a long day. And I can't quite remember what that thought was.

Jill: Well, something that I thought of when you were explaining back to me sort of what you heard me say. Today, I was listening to a masterclass that I had, you know, signed up for that I had the replay on. And the one thing that she said that I thought was super, super great. And it was basically exactly what you just said, as far as like she said, arriving into my life means being on the right path, with no destination, and always working and being in the work. And you know, what you were talking about earlier, as far as like, just really trusting that process. Because when we get to whatever this destination is, we I think we talked about this last time, too, when you know, hitting 47, right? Like when we get to this said destination, oftentimes, we sort of celebrate it for a hot second, because we're already on to the next thing. And she was comparing it to nature, like everything is in constant motion. So there really is no destination, we are literally on a planet that is constantly moving. It made me think about it differently when she put it into the perspective of nature of how things are constantly growing and letting go, growing and letting, go growing and letting go. Like we're constantly in this cycle of birth and death with all of the seasons. Much like what's happening with spring right now. Like, you know, new beginnings, transformation, revitalization. Like all of those things are happening right now. And we get to plant seeds for what we want to see grow in the next six months.

Shakira: Shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Contemplative like I said.

Jill: It's been a very inspiring day and contemplative. Yeah.

Shakira: Yeah, I'm always caught off guard. Sometimes things happen that seem a little bit too much like coincidence. And I know therefore, there's some lesson or some thing that I'm supposed to take from it, like the whole trusting. You know, as I was saying, you there seems to be a shift towards more faith based living in the sense of I can trust what is happening is exactly what should be happening in its own divine time. You know, whatever that looks like. I am a little bit more on the, yeah, I'm gripping really tightly on to what I know to be true. And a lot of fear based thinking not so much where I'm uncomfortable, but life for me, feels a lot like what you experienced in that yoga class, which is I am in my chair in my home, looking around feeling and observing kind of what's passing through me, which is do you want to be a student in this next phase, whatever this phase is, it feels like I'm shifting into the student role in my life, where I'm going to be doing things that make me very uncomfortable or transitions are happening that I don't have a lot of control over and that I probably should release a lot more of what I think is my own control over to sort of move towards a new learning like some new learning some new lesson and where I am right now feels very much like I am in master teacher status, you know, in my job I'm a teacher and you know my world around me my immediate world in Chicago, I feel like I'm a teacher in my day to day life, and maybe it's time for me to, you know, be a student alone, which is very uncomfortable.

Jill: Is there a particular areas that you desire to be a student again? Or that feels like you're being guided towards being a student? I feel like at some level, we are all always students,

Shakira: yes, it would be arrogant and very egotistical for me to not believe that I'm not a student, even right now. When I think of it, though, I don't think of it like no one can teach me anything. there's a little bit of what it feels like is the question for me is have I learned all I could learn right now, in this space, in this time, in this city, in this home, in these relationships? Have I gotten what I need from this in order to become to walk towards the next journey of what learning looks like and what I don't know. And the unknown feels very uncomfortable. But I'm also really attracted to figuring things out, you know, there's control even with that, because when I think of figuring things out, or the things that I'm afraid of, it's moving, being away from the home environment that I know, being farther away from the people that I see on a day to day bases, even the people that I'm not necessarily talking to all the time. Yeah. Yeah, new space, with new people, with new surroundings, with new air, with a new routine. A new job, with a new boss and new coworkers and new responsibilities, that all feels like, it's happening, whether I like it or not. Or my life is moving towards that. But it's also just like, Are you sure? Because it's comfortable knowing everything? Or what you think is everything?

Jill: Yeah, you're in this phase of leveling up, because you've been doing a lot of fucking work over the last two years. And you're at that next level.

Shakira: Yeah. Yeah. I like to stay comfortable.

Jill: Yeah, exactly. It's challenging you to get outside of your comfort zone, to take the risk.

Shakira: I want to stay put. But that goes back to I'm not trusting, like whatever is before me is even better than today.

Jill: Define faith for me. How do you define it for yourself?

Shakira: Mm hmm. Presence. And maybe that's more like how I practice faith, I would practice faith by staying present by being in gratitude for the very present today, being less attached to an outcome. That doesn't mean that having a desire unattached to the outcome, so that it impacts my present to a degree of me trying to control and manipulate you know, in some way, that's what faith looks like. It's like being content in the very right now, in that whatever comes of, you know, the day to day, the present moment that I'm walking working towards, that makes me feel, frankly, spiritually connected, then I have faith that there is no wrong turn. There's no wrong decision.

Jill: Yeah. And, like, trusting yourself. trusting that you're Yeah, I hate being broke. So I'm really scared of that. What's doing things to stay connected to your highest self and staying present in that moment, and not allowing yourself to go backwards or move into worry of the unknown of the future. You make it work. Everybody makes it work. the truth? Bitch,I don't want to be poor. I've been that way and New York is expensive.

Shakira: Yeah, nothing's permanent either. I can always come back.

Jill: Chicago will always have you with open arms.

Shakira: I mean, that's my girl.

Jill: She's never gonna leave you

Shakira: Chicago is my girl. She's like, girl come in this house. Sit on this couch. And let me make some popcorn and we can sit chit chat and watch Real Housewives. We're good.

Jill: Can't even. God for you though.

Shakira: god. Yeah, the last time I watched it was in a hotel room. That's right. I did. And it was like the very first season of New York with Bethenny Frankel. The fashion is iconic.

Jill: It's been what, 15, 20 years ago?

Shakira: Oh god, it's just I look at it. I'm like, wow, we all rocked that shit. Remember the moccasin boots? I had them. The brown suede, tie up moccasin boots with the little fringe at the top like that shit, but you know what I'm talking about. like exactly what ones I'm talking about. Yeah, the plaid skirts that look like the kilts the mini kilts. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, God chain belts. Shit was wild. I love it for that. I love it for that because it's all coming back.

Jill: Always 20 year cycles. Alright, my friend, take away from our chat today.

Shakira: I keep going back to the reference of you being on your mat and being very observant and also really accepting at the same time of the thoughts and feelings that were coming up for you at that time. Like you just seem to have like a lot of self compassion, which made that whole practice enjoyable. And I want to take that away like this discomfort. I can have some compassion for myself in it to make even this part of it enjoyable. You know, this, this unknowing can be enjoyable, too, if I'm a little more compassionate with myself.

Jill: Yeah, that's good. I think I'm just going to keep riding this non cocaine high.

Shakira: I'm jealous. Man, get it, Nicolas Cage. Get it!

Jill: Good to see you. All right. Love you. Bye.