Ep. 10: Finding Beauty in Darkness

Shakira: How are you doing, Jill?

Jill: How am I doing today, Shakira? I am, let's go with my mood rating first. I'm gonna go with about a 60 today and feeling out of sorts, disconnected, and aware.

Shakira: Mm hmm.

Jill: Yes. Those are my three words for my feelings today. Those all three can go in various directions. And I feel like that's exactly how I'm feeling today.

Shakira: How'd you start your day?

Jill: Slow, got up a little bit later. Had some puppy time and then had some coffee, had some breakfast. I finished a book that I've been reading for over a year. Yeah, you know, made my bed, started planning my week, just kind of slowly eased into it. And here we are. But still feeling accomplished with the things that I got done.

Shakira: I just made some magic happen and actually turned on my microphone.

Jill: Oh, wonderful. Welcome to the magic party.

Shakira: Yeah. Is this a typical feeling on a Sunday?

Jill: No, it's not. I'm feeling a little hungover from my week. And not that I did anything for my week, but I think just from playing catch up from travel, and just kind of getting some things pulled back together, re-acclimating myself, after two weeks of being gone in my space. And I just feel like I've been kind of moody all week, just sort of up and down roller coaster. So I feel like today is just kind of that hangover of the week that I've had, and I'm not really wanting to do today.

Shakira: I'm hammering you with questions, because I'm curious to hear more about how you're feeling and like what led to your feelings, which there's no, and I say all this, because I'm not trying to change how you feel. But I think it's interesting, or I'm curious more about how you feel, and what kind of brings on these feelings, especially the disconnected one that you mentioned. In how you treat yourself as a result of that feeling. Like you know what I mean? What can I do to support the feeling of being disconnected?

Jill: Yeah, I've been PMS-ing thing for the last few days. And then we're in a new moon. So I generally get this way, the week before a new moon and the week before my period where I just kind of have sort of like this laul. So over the last, I would say, year, year and a half, I've been very aware of my mood swings in my cycle, and how that works out. And it's definitely my down sort of a week. And that disconnected feeling. I think just kind of, I don't know, like that when I got to dig deeper into I've, I go in bouts of feeling connected and disconnected. So today, what I'm going to do as far as getting myself to support that feeling of disconnection is finding some way to connect with myself. I'm doing a yin class tonight at six that I'm really looking forward to. However, I feel like I need to do something prior to that, because I don't want to wait until 6pm. Because here we are at like 11am, I will take some time to meditate and just dig a little bit deeper into why I'm feeling disconnected. And then afterwards, just pull out my mat. And one of the things that I've been doing over the course of the last, I would say six months to a year is taking just 20 minutes to allow my body to flow in whatever way feels comfortable on my mat. So just letting my body move.

Shakira: I haven't done enough of that myself. I think you mentioned this before we started I think use the word isolation. I think you did. I can't remember if you didn't that's what I'm projecting. Is there anything in those plans outside of the Yin class that is a little later today that could help support the feeling of isolation? Which in a lot of ways for me contributes to the feeling of disconnection?

Jill: Yeah, you know, I've been craving going just wandering around shopping, wandering around stores. I like to just wander, not necessarily buy anything, but I like to just look at things. Shopping makes me happy. Let's be honest, it makes me really happy.

Shakira: There's that whole retail therapy thing I think we've talked about before and I feel like it gets a really negative like connotation, because what you're saying to me feels more like I just want to engage. In a way that doesn't require me to buy things. It's just like an engagement maybe like a stimulation of my brain. Maybe it's you know, sort of being in space with other people. But it doesn't necessarily mean you have to buy something. Maybe it sparks some creativity or some inspiration.

Jill: I was just gonna say that's exactly what it does for me. It sparks creativity. Gives me ideas of the things that I see. And maybe there's things that I have similarly in my home that may just need to be moved around to be in other places to have a different feeling for me. I like to be around other people and just in that environment, and I used to go shopping and just be like, oh, I need something pretty today. I just need something to make me feel pretty today. I don't do that really anymore. Because generally when I'm in that space that I'm buying things that two weeks later, I'm like, What the fuck did I do that for? That thing is fucking ugly. It solved the need then for the 20 bucks, but it certainly did not, you know, provide any further satisfaction.

Shakira: Long term, I don't know, good.

Jill: There's no long term gain on that short term impulse. It was purchased out of fear and loathing.

Shakira: Oh, yeah. Yeah, someone. Yeah, I often hear this from friends who say things to me, like decisions that are made with this sense of urgency typically aren't connected to spirituality, they're not connected to a higher self. And that is important to me to think about, especially when you talk about is where's it coming from? It's funny now that you were talking about this, I had reached out to my tattoo artists, maybe like last week or two weeks ago. I had a weird dream about her where she had reached out to me and said, Hey, I'm just wondering how you're doing and what you've been thinking about because I have all these great ideas I want to I want to share with you? She does this thing where for, you know, a set price, she will help curate, like what your landscape of artwork on your body will look like. So doesn't necessarily mean she'll do the work. Like she could help talk you through some tattoos that you want to cover up that you want to change. Maybe there's like some additional work that you want to add, like, what does that look like? What feeling you want to sort of evoke, and it's a really cool way to like, collaborate with an artist that is helping curate, like, your level of, of work. And she had started out the conversation since maybe like last summer when I was like, I think I want to work with you in that way with that service. But she had started out the conversation with like the movement of the work. What is the kind of movement that I want to illustrate in the work? I never really thought about it in that way. Like, I want it to feel really fluid, like a ballet dancer, or I want it to sort of invoke strength and be static, or I want like a symmetry that makes me feel empowered. Like it was just a really interesting way to sort of think about the feeling that you want and then like what kind of images you know, help to, you know, sort of evoke that kind of thing. Anyway, that's besides the point. She's awesome. Her name's Esther Garcia, we should probably link her. She's amazing. She's just great at what she does. And is a painter, I think the way that I connect with her the most is through her paintings and her artwork. And one of my favorite ways that she works is on black canvas, or like black background. You don't see often at all. I think there's maybe some artist friends I'm sure could say like, well actually, there's these ten people that do this. It's new to me. And the thing with those paintings is that from far away, they just look like a blank canvas with maybe some shadows in there that you can't quite make out what the shadows are. But the closer you get, the more clear it becomes that there's this gorgeous watercolor vase with flowers that sits behind this darkness. It's it's like it just sort of appears it's really eerie and kind of Goth, but also I don't know, it just kind of makes me feel a certain way. Her work with people of color or people with highly melanated skin to me does that. It brings forth the idea of there's beauty in like however you come about it right like there's beauty in

Jill: The thing that came for me was there's beauty in the darkness. So when we were just talking about like how I was feeling in this dark space, if I just keep getting closer and closer within myself, I'll see this light and these colors and all of these feelings come through.

Shakira: Yeah, gorgeous. I love that parallel and wasn't even considering that the connection there but funny funny how we got here. My point is, in reaching out to her and saying this is kind of the get back to your what you were saying to, I'm all over the place. She had responded and I told her about the dream and you know, I think I have an itch now you know to like, let's like start planning out the next line of work. There's some stuff on my arm that at the time I felt really connected to and now having had her work not only on my back, but on my thigh and really loving the way that it makes me feel just as much as the way that it looks. But it really makes me feel a certain way. The back makes me feel that empowerment and sort of this hug. My thigh just makes me feel really feminine and elegant and beautiful. And it's especially important to me as my body has changed so much in the last, you know, umpteenth years that artwork can do that. It can make you look at yourself even different. Point is, I sent this to her, she wrote back and said and I told her I had some fear about basically lasering like our lightening the work on my arm a bit to start what would be like this really interesting, shadowy sleeve that we had been talking about, you know, a couple a year or more, and she wrote back, we can talk about, uh, you know, it's really multi layered, you know, the dream plus this. we can talk about some ways to like some numbing creams or topicals. If, you know, there's like fear of pain, I think she was making the assumption that I was fearful of the pain of the lasering work, and we choose our tattoos from a place of joy rather than a place of fear. And it was just like, oh my God, there's intention. And there's so much lesson in that in all my decisions, because there was like a little bit of fear. And also this urgency, you know, that we're talking about too, that I gotta do this, I gotta do this to fill something. There's something really, really special about taking the time and the space to let it come to you. Rather than needing to change it.

Jill: Yeah, it's that trust in the process. And the funny thing is, is let's see here, my tea that I'm drinking right now, you know, home, Yogi's, got those little messages for you. They're always just, you know, fucking on point, for whatever reason. Be fearless, know that all will be provided at the right time. So I feel like that's exactly what you were talking about in your tattoo. And also to connect it to the conversation about the artist, where she paints black and get into it, right. So that as you continue to be fearless, you continue to see what's right there in front of you. And you see it at the right time. But you have to look through that darkness to be able to get there and you have to go through the process to be able to see it.

Shakira: Mm hmm. And this is so inspiring. I don't think up until recently to I considered how therapeutic looking at artwork is. You know, growing up or when you know, I think about artists, especially like media artists, painters, what is it? It's not fine arts, what is it, fuck. Can't think of the word. Painters will just say yeah, yeah. You go to the art museum, you see something you're like, Oh, look at that. But I never spent enough time to look and see what feeling it invokes in me. And the older I get, the more I've come to appreciate that kind of like fucking jazz, which I used to hate as a kid.

Jill: Oh my gosh. The funny thing is, is last night, we went to Dakota jazz to listen to Shemeika Copeland. Who I highly recommend to everybody.

Shakira: I've heard of her. I just haven't listened.

Jill: Spectacular. Last night, she was singing one of her dad's song because her dad was a famous musician. I'm going to forget for who so I'm not going to try a famous musician. So she grew up a jazz kid. And jazz and blues actually, one of his songs is about being a ghetto child, and growing up a ghetto child in this so called freeland. And so she's been all night singing microphone. And so her voice is just, you know, killing the place. Right? She stepped away from the microphone, and just started yelling or like using her voice to project I'm a ghetto child in this so called free land. And like just kept repeating it away from the microphone going to all different parts of the stage to be able to get everybody in the place to feel it. And like I've got goosebumps now just thinking about it because it was so powerful. hearing her voice projected away from the microphone and it had a deeper impact than microphone ever could have had. It was phenomenal. She was probably one of the greatest acts that I've seen there in a long time.

Shakira: Wow.

Jill: She was spectacular. Highly recommend listening to her.

Shakira: I love that so much. It makes me emotional. It also makes me feel like what kind of inspiration can I pick up today in in art and music. And like really sit with it not sort of do the surface level it's, you know, in the background sort of at the top layer of my, you know, my skin. My body, my psyche, but sit with it to see like how it penetrates and also inspires self awareness. I think that you were saying. Which could be also in your retail therapy. Which isn't buying but it's really like how can it inspire me.

Jill: Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that was in going back to the beginning of like, what are some of the things that I can do to support feeling that getting back to a sense of connection with self? I think, A, having this conversation with you and B, thinking about the experience last night and really just remembering how that felt? And then continuing to, you know, just kind of share who she is because it was super spectacular.

Shakira: Wow. Yeah. Thank you for that. I'll definitely check her out.

Jill: I'm glad you're coming around to jazz and blues.

Shakira: You know, side note, not blues. I didn't say that.

Jill: I added it for you. I added it for you. Because when you hear Shemeika I think you're going to change your mind.

Shakira: When I think of blues I always think of like the shit my grandmother would listen to. My grandmother was like in this dart, you know, it was like a dart gang. Like a tavern style dart gang they had bomber jackets like satin bomber jackets with like, you know their name on the back.

Jill: Dart gang, to be clear.

Shakira: Yeah, I can't remember the name to save my life but it was like her and her big biker boyfriend and you know they ride on those giant bikes that have like the speaker that you can hear six fucking blocks away playing like Luther Vandross or some shit. Amazing. But they all it was like a big black giant biker gang that threw darts like they were darts. There are a dart gang, a dart bike gang.

Jill: Never heard of it. But I'm very intrigued by your grandmother's satin jacket.

Shakira: Oh, yeah. Amazing. But she like they would listen to blues and it was always the same fucking song.

Jill: It's good jam right there.

Shakira: No, no, but you know, acoustic blues. I think the history, the connection, the Gospel, the connection to where country music and the history of it. I'm very interested in and curious about.

Jill: As you should be, because it's all rooted in African American music.

Shakira: Yeah. Yeah. I'm very curious about how it all came to be.

Jill: I will have to get some recommendations for you of what documentaries to watch. We'll get you educated on some blues history and where it came from.

Shakira: I know very I know, maybe 25% of what I would like to know even more of and I would say that I don't know. 25% of nothing.

Jill: Well, that's all right.

Shakira: Jazz. Yes. 100%. The older I get, the more I find inspiration in the complexity of dissonance in sound. It doesn't have to be pretty.

Jill: Oh, and you've got that Honky Tonk barbecue that's right next to you that does that jazz band on Sundays. I think if they're still there, The Cider Boys? So good. They're great. And they play like all 1920's stuff. So it's super, great.

Shakira: It's a different kind of jazz. I think when I think of the chi and yet, kind of so it's a great conversation to. When I think of the jazz that interests me, I'm thinking of Kamasi Washington, contemporary jazz. That's another one that gives me goosebumps. So much. There's so much Thelonious Monk. I absolutely, was obsessed with for years because of the piano and the I think there's a lot of classical music that especially like romantic, again, maybe more contemporary classical music where I can see the parallel our connection to the way that he creates as well. But yeah, oh, yeah, girl, you got me feeling some shit today. Okay, I'm inspired. All right. I'm gettin' out here.

Jill: It's gonna say we never did talk about how you were feeling and what was your mood today? Now it's totally changed.

Shakira: Yeah, I can't remember. I guess, you know, yeah, maybe feeling a little similarly the fogginess? Like, I think I'm connected in the sense where, like, I went to the gym and I remember walking home from the gym and thinking like, it is so amazing how this little kick of dopamine I get after doing something that makes me better, makes me well just impacts my brain and the way that I think of myself because I'm becoming more conscious of that too. Like, I need to start thinking about instead of going to the gym and feeling like Oh, my gut is over my pants or my belly feels pregnant, I'm bloated, or whatever the case is, like, kind of cutting myself down. I'm just consciously saying to myself, like, you're so fucking strong. Yeah, like, you are so fucking strong. God, you are really flexible. Look at how your knees can bend still. And that's been healing. So yeah, I feel good. I feel a little foggy, but good.

Jill: And it still aligns with this theme in this thread that we've carried to this whole conversation about, in that darkness of your thoughts of self. If you look closer, you find the beauty and the strength in what you have and what you've created for yourself.

Shakira: Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's important. You know, I think this gets back to sitting, sitting meditation thinking, you know, all the things that you said that you were going to do today.

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. All right. What is a takeaway for you today, my friend?

Shakira: That it's your birthday tomorrow, and then I

Jill: I feel like I've been shirking my birthday.

Shakira: Happy, happy. Happy birthday, my love.

Jill: Thanks, friend. Thank you.

Shakira: So ya. So I take away it's your birthday tomorrow. So I should probably send your gift today.

Jill: Whenever.Whenever. The Big Four Seven. Yeah, I'm it feels. Yeah, I feel like it's kind of one of those things where I'm like, shirking it. Like, it's almost like, oh, 47 just kind of, like, shirk through it. Because I'm excited to get to 50. And 47 isn't really like a significant, not that it needs to be anything, but it also feels like it's going to be a pretty exciting year. Like, I feel like I've had a ton of things that have adjusted and shifted, and I feel like there's more transformation coming. But I also sort of feel like, fuck I've already done so much work. It's kind of like when you run the marathon, like, I feel like this is what is it? 23 miles in a marathon? 23.6? Is that what it is? No. 26.2, Jesus. It's been since 2013 since our last one. So it kind of feels right now like this stage, I'm at like, mile 21, where, like, I know, the end is coming. I can see that there's still one more fucking hill. But we're going to make it because you've gotten this far. Like, you're not going to fucking stop. Now, you're not going to slow down, you're going to find your person that you're trying to compete with that you're just like, yep, if I pass that person, great. Find your next person pass that person. Awesome. Like you're just gonna kind of get it. So that's what it feels like. 47 is like right now for me. It's just like, it's towards the end, it's mile 23.

Shakira: Wow, I am here to gently remind you that once you get to the end, it's not over. And when you get to the end, you'll look back and only remember mile 21 and 19 and 18 and 16 and the training before that.

Jill: Absolutely. So thank you for that reminder. And this is why I have my own life coach is because he always reminds me of those things. He's like, I tell you all the things that you've done so far, so how about it because I'm only keeping track of a few, you know.

Shakira: A ton, you've done a ton a ton of work. And the blessing of the journey is becoming more and more apparent to me because once I get quote "there" I'm like, that's it?

Jill: Exactly. Something bigger and better is around the corner.

Shakira: Did I missed the whole fucking journey because I was just so you know ahead of what happens when I get "there" again, in quotes.

Jill: But this is why I think we have the people in our lives that we have in our lives to remind us to take advantage.

Shakira: 47 is gonna be bomb. So bomb.

Jill: I'm excited. I'm excited. Yeah, I look like I'm 37.

Shakira: I mean, girl. 47 where? I just love the fact that all my friends look like as great as they do at whatever age I used to think was like, well, that's just when things fall apart. Nah, either. I'm blind and I don't think I'm blind. My sight is pretty fucking good outside of like my glasses right now. But you know what I mean? I got progressive lenses now, which, yeah, it's official. I pick them up next week. But outside of that bitch you look good.

Jill: Thanks. All right. I feel like that's a wrap my friend. Thanks for the wishes. Thanks for the blessings. Thanks for the reminders.

Shakira: Absolutely. All righty. Have a great day. Love you. Bye bye.