Ep. 8: Balancing the Feminine and Masculine Energy Within

Jill: All right friend. So at the tail end of the last episode, you opened a new can of worms that we are going to roll into for this next episode in balancing the masculine and feminine energy within. And you said you had lots to say about it.

Shakira: One of them was a response to your comment at the end where you were considering male listeners, or male identifying listeners. Again, I'm trying to be very respectful and honor everyone's, anyone's gender fluidity. Anyone and everyone's gender fluidity. This is interesting, because we always think about male and female from a binary perspective. But I feel like there was a lot of movement towards honoring masculinity and femininity in everyone. And you were saying all this, I think in response to you know, any sort of male identifying listeners who may feel like our previous episode was pretty heavy on the period talk, let's just be frank. And although I think that, you know, I think there's a lot of feminine, femininity within that discussion. But kind of taking maybe like you said, this opposite view or this opposite spectrum and what you were offering men to consider in their bodies. When we talk about the divine feminine or femininity. I started thinking of masculine energy and the balance within myself of both the masculine and the feminine. Let me share with you a little story. I was just getting to Chicago, maybe like three years in you know, at that point, I got out of a relationship. I was on the search to find myself. And I met a friend, I was really I was a fucking mess. Let's just put it to you that way. And I remember looking for like, healing things to heal, classes, whatever. I came upon a yin yoga class. First time that I had taken Yin yoga. There was a teacher there who's now a really great, dear friend who I absolutely love her name's Mia. She actually is back to teaching now and it's gonna do in Edgewater. Just open up her business. I'm so excited for her. But anyway, she was teaching this yoga class. It was at like 8:30 at night. I live in Rogers Park. This class was all the way in Bucktown, Wicker Park area.

Jill: It was in Bucktown. I went to a class with you.

Shakira: So far, but it's 8: 30. At night, I'm taking the class, that is how hungry I was for like, just to feel better. Go in, do this class. I want to say like every other night, or whatever it was. It was amazing. There was one moment when I'm in, like maybe pigeon pose, or Child's Pose with my knees completely splayed out, and really opening up the hips. Which is the point that you're making in the last podcast of how so much emotion or maybe feminine energy lives there. If we feel pain, cried my eyes out. I remember just sobbing to the point where I could feel people looking over even though it's a dark class, you know, kind of like looking like what the fuck is wrong with this girl? She gonna be okay? Mia coming over and giving me lots of pats and space basically to feel. Cut to becoming close friends with her. And her sharing that she was in the process of learning more about shamanism training. And she had a small office at that point in Andersonville, went there. And I remember as I was doing work with her this shamanic work with her. She told me something that I was pissed about for a long time. And I wouldn't say until maybe two years ago.

Jill: I'm so ready for this.

Shakira: She said, you know, because at that point, I thought what I needed was another relationship to make me feel better, because you know, why not? That's that was my addiction. She said, "I think that you are out of balance and your masculine energy is so big and so strong, you know, you lift all these heavy weights, I was super big into, you know, Olympic weightlifter at that point that really, you lift all these heavy weights, and you have this guard up, essentially, that keeps people from, you know, sort of penetrating this inner shell of this softness and this femininity that you are." Now in that point, I was like, who the fuck do you think you are telling me that I'm too much of a man to be in relationship with anyone? Because that's what my brain heard. Like, I'm too manly. My shoulders are too wide. I'm thinking of all the physical aspects of it. And it took me, I don't know, 8 to 10 years to recognize, like, how right she was, at that point for sure. But how masculinity is so much more than just this physical representation of what it means to be a man. And what I really learned in that conversation with her and then of course, years of my own self work and balancing what I think is the masculine and feminine energy that is within me. And strength is such a tough word for me because I think it denies the ability with a thought that women can be strong. But when I think of how I interpreted strength, which is this and I'm doing this thing with physically with an upright posture and shoulders back, and my, my chin sort of, you know, eye level, I thought that's what she was saying I shouldn't be and femininity meant sort of going inward and cowering and being insecure. And I felt that she was telling me that as a result that I was masking my insecurity. Does all that makes sense, what I just shared?

Jill: It does. It makes a ton of sense. And it's interesting as to how your depiction of feminism at that time meant small. Meant closing my bringing myself in. You know, I think of like, not necessarily strength, but you know, would you say weak, right? Then I think about, what has been your role models within masculine and feminine? Now that you've got that dagger out from Mia in your back, lets use it to slice open the front, like, let's just open up.

Shakira: Okay, let me go there then, because I did not consider that question. There were no men in my family. There were no male role models, I would say in my family. There where men, obviously, I'm here. I did not have a relationship with my father. My grandfather and I, our relationship ended when I was pretty young and later, you know, rekindled. But you know, a lot of trauma there. My great grandfather died when I was pretty young. And we didn't have a necessarily close relationship. The man and my mother's life for 20 plus years was, you know, abusive, to say the least. So I had a lot of resentment towards him. And maybe even towards her, I don't have to say maybe even there definitely was some resentment towards her for years that we've since come full circle on as far as that healing goes. But there were none. And as a result of that, what I had were incredibly strong, independent female figures. I grew up in a female headed household. My mother worked her ass off. She took care of everybody, including myself in the way that she knew how to take care of which was financially that was a big thing. There was a lot of pride in not needing to depend on men in my home and my body and myself and the models of the women that I grew up with. And there was a lot of negative talk about men in particular, which was really just a reflection of the kind of pain that went unhealed with these women. I think, a generational trauma as a result of of their experiences with men. So yeah, those were my models. So therefore, like, I'm that too. I'm that bitch. I don't need y'all. I don't need y'all.

Jill: Well, I think it's just interesting when you start to think about the masculine, feminine, and you start to understand, what were you shown? Yeah. And what is it that you now are modeling your life after from those experiences? And how do we hold on to that in our bodies? And like your point, like, how do you start to balance that? I think the biggest thing is first, can you recognize, the masculine and feminine energy that you were surrounded with? What that looked like? And then what has been the definitions that you've created from those experiences?

Shakira: Oh, wow, Jill, you're on fire today.

Jill: I told you, it was all about this aurapalooza. They told me, I'm a light worker. And here I am tapping into my

Shakira: You are on fire because when I think and just intuition. explaining, or giving you the context of what I grew up with, to therefore interpret the weakness of femininity, you know, or maybe my previous interpretation of that, in as a result needing to overcompensate with what is what I believe at the time was more masculine energy or traits was as a result of the imbalance of both masculine and feminine in my growing up, fucking imbalance.

Jill: How do you define femininity now?

Shakira: Hmm, wow, ah, I have coded language and I want to say and I think I'm uncomfortable with it. For example, you know, I think of so let me go deeper than that. I think I wanted to start off by saying, nurturing but that isn't to deny the experience of nurturing with like from a masculine perspective.

Jill: And I think let's not code it with that masculine edge. Let's just find the separations first of what feminine means to you now?

Shakira: The feminine experience to me means being very conscious and present in the moment. What I'm picturing in my head right now are not only colors, but smells. like smelling an iris. I can see a blush pink color. I can feel the softness of like the very softest of cotton sweatshirts. I can feel the warmth of a bath. I can feel the warmth of a sun. Those to me are maybe feminine, like what I associate with feminine qualities, which I know. They're not necessarily qualities. They're just like, sort of illustrations in my head.

Jill: Yeah. And it's yours. Yeah, it's yours. It's for you. So in those images, in those feelings and sensations, were those examples given to you as a child?

Shakira: I'm sure they were, but I can't pinpoint a specific connection at this point.I'm sure they were. A lot of it feels like a way to describe femininity as I am like in my adulthood, because I think femininity growing up, the interpretation was again, weakness and a reliance and dependence upon men, specifically men, not masculine but men. Just men.

Jill: Yeah. Didn't need to be masculine. So I think it's interesting. So like, now, in looking at yourself, of the things that you've articulated, do you see those things in yourself as far as that femininity?

Shakira: 100%. To me, that is the caring for myself. That to me is the bringing the balance piece between my own masculine and feminine energy. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you know, the posturing that I'm doing right now the shoulder and that that isn't masculine energy, even though it could be interpreted that's confidence. And there's also nothing wrong with feeling insecure and being vulnerable. Which I think could be interpreted in, you know, it's opposition or the opposite end of the spectrum, which is that femininity, and that isn't bad, either. That is great.

Jill: Because I think it's the femininity that was tore down

Shakira: Right. And let's look at the fact that in all what you from who women are supposed to be. It was made to be not okay. It was made to be, if you cried, you're weak. So if you cried, you're weak, you're a girl. Boys don't cry, they're strong. At the very base of that. So it's just being able to break down those sort of barriers. As far as, no you're just a human being, you get to have emotions, and that's okay to experience that. And to be able to not identify that as masculine or feminine, you're just a fucking human being. just said, there's a power dynamic. And within that power dynamic, there's also this monetization of each one of those energies, you know, in order to be successful financially. And I'm thinking in terms of, you know, the corporate where I spend most of my fucking day to day. There are qualities that are of value within that space, and that space, values overconfidence. The opposite of vulnerability. 100% security, that is what gets you paid.

Jill: Only, only though, to an extent for a woman, but given accolades, if you're a man.

Shakira: 100%. 100%. Yeah, there's still a balance that women have to very much display in environments or systems that are purely identified as like these masculine spaces. And I think that money, power, all of that 100% I still have to, you know, be in appear to be caring and soft enough, in order to be seen as someone that in order, what's the word I'm looking for? In order to be seen as like a fully rounded contributor, a well rounded contributor within that space.

Jill: That makes my skin crawl. Because what's the sacrifice? I'm not authentic? Absolutely. So you're sacrificing yourself.

Shakira: 100%. There's no integrity in that for me. No, because

Jill: No, because you're playing the game. And you're playing a bigger game, because you're also a black female.

Shakira: Girl! Tell it! Say it for the people in the back.

Jill: And I can't because it's not my story, right? Like, I can recognize it, and I can see it. And I can experience it through you and through what you're telling me, but just all of it.

Shakira: The complexities of that on top of it. And it's not Yeah. But it also like, again, I just keep going back to an to play the oppression olympics, because I do think, had I been a trans woman or an out lesbian black woman, like, I mean, again, sort of the integrity, to keep very true and authentic to myself, but also understanding and recognizing that there's going to be a shit ton of barriers. And in order for me to play the game, I have to sort of keep in mind how uncomfortable it may seem to those who are still abiding by within the system, this sort of corporate power system. awareness of, because I get that you and I are not going to change the corporate structure of the world. We're not going to change the society, you know, and what their definition of feminine feminism is and what masculine is, because even I feel like the masculine is very jaded. Like it needs an update. Right? It needs to be updated Yeah. 100%. It all does. It all does.

Jill: But in what we were talking about beginning, how can we begin to balance that?

Shakira: Well, I'm gonna flip that question back to you. One, have you felt an imbalance ever in yourself? How have you felt that imbalance, and then how, what do you do? How, what does it look like? How does it, what does it, what does that imbalance look like? And then how do you, if you do, approach it?

Jill: I think I'm similar to you in the strength piece of it, right? Because then when I feel weak, then I start to feel like I'm this little girl that is insignificant, and I make myself small. Because I feel that my opinion, doesn't matter. For me, it's very much like you were talking about the beginning, like just kind of the shrinking of the shoulders, I feel very, very small. Don't look at me, don't see me, I've got nothing of value. I used to call myself the side salad to my husband, if that says anything, right, meaning that I'm not as significant. And so for me, that's what that imbalance look like, is that I didn't necessarily know what feminism was. Because again, similar to you, I also didn't have role models that were what I would have deemed the feminine woman other than they cooked, they cleaned, they provided a home for their husbands, they didn't work, and the husband supported them. So it was very much the traditional, masculine feminine role, and how I balance that now is through just like we were talking about as far as like that self care, and doing the things that just make me feel grounded and make me feel connected to self. But I struggle with that on the regs.

Shakira: Mm hmm. Yeah, I do as well. But I also like playing with the edges of it, too. And my edge for me, is some of what you mentioned, when I think of like how that how I can outwardly display femininity, and I think it is by being openly vulnerable in a in a setting like work for me. That is one, I think it gives an opportunity for me to connect with will say like my team, for example, the people that I manage. I recently had conversation with one about things outside of work, not personal, but some of the things that I don't know life things that have happened. To me that's a sign of vulnerability, and that is the opposite of what the system of like a corporate setting would want you to do. I play with that edge by wearing red lipstick. If we're talking about clothing like that, to me that's a very feminine sort of thing, but it's also really powerful and I associate a lot of masculinity with powerfulness and confidence again, but to me that's the edge of femininity. The masculinity when I feel what that piece of it comes in like 100% in the way that I dress. I fucking love and androgynous look. You know that I love a soft butch look. I love it so.

Jill: I know you do. I know you do.

Shakira: I love it. You know because no matter what I'm always gonna look like you know how I left because I got some big ass titties. So I'm gonna still wear, like a sweatershirt and some Nikes. And yeah, you know, carry this sort of edge of what feels like hardness and you know BD. You know big dick energy. But I'm gonna do it with like some red lips, girl.

Jill: I like it. And I think that's how I play with my edge more also is through how I dress. How I talk. I love to swear. Standing up for other women in things that I see. So like, if I hear a comment that is sexist. I am quick to correct.

Shakira: Yes, yes you are.

Jill: You were also I played with it, tattoos. Tattoos are an edge for me that I really like and getting more and more comfortable with showing off my legs.

Shakira: Oh, okay. Girl. Yes. Yeah, I love this. I love, I love this idea of these very practical ways that we can implement balance between these two energies within ourselves how we choose to define them. Right? Because as you're talking, I'm like, Is that is that I'm like no. Yeah, at all? It all is whatever it is. Because it is that for you whether it be masculine or feminine.

Jill: Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think it's just the

Shakira: Yeah, well, how are you honoring yourself? How are you individualism in it, right? Like you were talking about in the beginning as far as like being conscious of the identifications with non binary. And to me, it all comes down to identifying with who you are as yourself, and what that feminism and masculine means to you. Regardless of labeling it with a pronoun, right? It's just all about how are you identifying as a human? And how are you freely expressing the masculine honoring not only yourself, but how are you continuing to grow? feminine energies within you to find that balance? And to just be who are at your souls, I don't know your soul sort of like core. I keep thinking of this woman in my yoga teacher training, always saying like, I have a wish to grow, wish to grow. Yeah.

Jill: I like, Yeah, I like that, too. All right, takeaway my friend.

Shakira: Gosh, I'm feeling really grounded and curious about this expansion of defining what is masculine and feminine energy and to consciously and intentionally think about some of the ways in which I choose to balance it on a daily basis. Like I'm just that's what I'm thinking of, like I'm, my takeaway is to again, sort of do what I did last time journal a little bit more on like, what conscious and unconscious ways am I balancing what I believe to be masculine and the feminine within me and wanting that balance more. Like, what are some ways that I can do that? So I can address them when or if I feel out of balance, if that makes sense.

Jill: It makes perfect sense. And I'm going to take that as my takeaway, because you summed up yeah, you summed it up beautifully. So thank you, friend.

Shakira: Thank you. Yeah, fun convo.

Jill: I know. I know. I love this. All right, well, until we meet again.