Ep. 7: Connecting to the Feminine Within

Jill: So where do we want to begin today?

Shakira: You want to start with the usual, the mood rating? How you feeling?

Jill: I'm feeling, I'm good. I'm feeling great. Actually. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling connected to my friend.

Shakira: Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Jill: I'm feeling connected to the universal messages that are coming my way as of late. You know what, and I'm also feeling connected with sort of like my path of where I'm going. You can't see it really behind me, but I did a little post it note mind mapping on my windows. Layout my schedule and lay out like, let's get some shit going. So I'm feeling connected.

Shakira: Okay, that's great. What did you do this morning that made you feel so connected? Like was their practice in particular?

Jill: You know, not my typical practice. But I did go to the gym this morning. And I did upper body. And then I decided that I wanted to watch some television. And then I'm just like, okay, get the fuck off the couch. Let's go. So then I felt motivated. And then I'm like, oh, post it notes that are different colors and markers. So I really, you know, how much I love a good office supply store. So as soon as I broke out the supplies, I'm like, Oh, shit and that's why I was late to our call today because I was playing with post it notes, pens and markers.

Shakira: Wow, feeling that creativity.

Jill: I was feeling the creativity.

Shakira: Yeah, that's lovely. I love it. When you have mornings like that when I have mornings like that.

Jill: I love it when I have mornings like that too. How about you?

Shakira: I'm feeling good. I'd say I put myself on an 80 out of 100. As far as mood rating goes, maybe a little more. I feel well rested. I slept well last night. I feel like I got the rest that I needed this weekend. Although it came with some guilt. Because, you know, here I am in sunny San Diego and there were moments, like, it was a little cloudy and rainy during parts. I think yesterday was kind of rainy, which is again so strange. I know it's going to be 70 degrees and full sun when I leave. I just fucking know it every day. But it's been like I guess what is San Diego February. You know, little hot and cold, you know, here and there. But so yeah, it was a mix of clouds and rain over the weekend. I felt some guilt for taking the rest that I needed. Apparently, I spent a lot of time this weekend laying on the couch distracting myself with YouTube videos of God knows what. I'm really into this particular channel of this couple that lives in Svalbard. It's the northernmost island before you get to the North Pole. I know like I've watched almost every single one of these videos

Jill: Well, I mean you're in it you might as well.

Shakira: I can't stop. I can't stop it. It's fascinating to me. One, that there's this place where three months out of the year it's pitch black you know they get polar nights. Four months out of the year, they get, I don't know what it's called but like the opposite where it's just light 24 hours a day. Very weird. So it's you know, she's showing video and it's 11 o'clock at night and looks like it's full freakin sun. It's crazy to me. Yeah, I'm curious to know like what that does to the body. But anyway, they seem to love it. The landscape's gorgeous but it's also something that I've just never had a desire I don't think until now to experience which is glaciers and snow and mountains and expansiveness you know, nothing else out there. Polar bears and carrying guns in case they come. It's fascinating to me and so anyway, I did a lot of watching the tube and a little bit of the gym some walking, maybe feeling a little sorry for myself and whatever this work situation is going to bring in the next few weeks. But overall today, I feel great. I woke up because I told you I made my bed I came to the realization and the making of my bed that oh wow, this is what it feels like to be a little more connected to myself. I got up I grabbed this expensive ass Mala from the Tony Robbins like seminar that I went to a couple of weeks ago, and I did a mantra practice to the Ganesh mantra which I haven't done in a long time, and it just kind of came, maybe like the first thing that I think of in after doing, like reminding myself of what it what it is and what it means and the power behind it. It is a mantra that is said to remove obstacles and barriers and fear. It said to sit or sort of activate the root chakra, which is a space of grounding. You know, and I didn't feel guilty about being distracted while doing it for the first, you know, third or half of it. Which is interesting, because I've been feeling some guilt all weekend long about the idea of rest. And taking that rest and turning my brain off from the chaos. And afterwards felt so great when I sat on the bay for an hour with Jack and read and listen to a podcast two actually and here we are.

Jill: I love it. I love it. Well, and you reminded me of something when you were talking about you were feeling guilty for resting, but yet you felt super restful. So did you know that we just entered into the Pisces New Moon?

Shakira: I knew we were entering into a phase of some sort, but I have no idea. What is the significance of the Pisces New Moon?

Jill: Yes. So there's a ton of different things here. But I'll just give you a couple of different things. So there's a couple people that I should say a couple I follow a ton of people on astrology and the one of the ones that I like is Astrotwins, which I think you turned me on to a very long time ago because they write for Elle.

Shakira: I do remember them, got it.

Jill: Yeah, but they have so much content out there right now. It's fantastic. So they're eight tips for the Pisces New Moon one of which is devote time to healing and trauma work. You did this morning. Sleep a lot longer. Yeah. Enjoy time in or near water. Well, look at you. Here's a couple more. Examine your boundaries and reset as needed. Yeah, we were talking about this exactly. Remember that, No, is a complete sentence. Bond with family and your inner circle.

Shakira: Shut up. I talked to my mom for 90 minutes this morning.

Jill: Shit. Uh huh. People tell me that astrology means jack. Alright. Start a dream journal. Meditate daily to clean your psyche.

Shakira: Yeah, I like that.

Jill: I know, right? This is also why I feel like I'm kind of a, I'm a cusp baby but I feel like I'm a Pisces. I just feel it.

Shakira: Wait, what? What is your sign according to the Sun sign, I guess?

Jill: Yeah, sun sign. Aries, because I'm March 20, so I could also be Pisces. Here's the trick. I don't know what time I was born. So if you get the time that you're born, that will give you the exact. So everything that I've always done, I've always used 8am because it's I feel like I'm a morning baby because I'm a morning person. Like I feel like that's my shine. But in everything that I've ever gotten from people when I've done different, birth chart readings or like natal chart readings. Everything around that eight o'clock timeframe seems to feel right but I always read both Aries and Pisces because I resonate with both.

Shakira: Yeah, Pisces I can absolutely that feels right to me when I'm thinking of you from what I like very little. I know about Pisces, maybe it's just the difference between what fire and water and I think Aries is a fire sign and Pisces water right? Yeah. Yeah, that's such an interesting. God at the same time, though, I can see both sort of within your personality. You're a little firey.

Jill: A bit of heat. Sometimes I can be really sweet, but I can toss some heat on top of that.

Shakira: Yeah, well, yeah, you got some spice to you. And but also to like, you're such a fucking hippie.

Jill: I know. Then if you get into it, like my Mercury and Venus are Pisces which I think is that hippie flow.

Shakira: Ah, got it. Got it.

Jill: I have often said like, I just want my inner hippie to shine. I do love a good blazer. A blazer with my Doc Martens. It's what I wore to work the other day. Oh, it was a blazer and my pink patent leather Doc Martens.

Shakira: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's giving 90s grunge hippie. It's getting. Yeah, I'm here for it. I'm here for it.

Jill: Thanks. So you are in line with what's happening right now. So kudos to you. You know, it's

Shakira: You know, it's interesting how that happens. Because it's, I do not follow astrology religiously. I used to have more of a sense of like, you know, what it meant what it is? Yeah, I used to the, in the age of finding myself where I thought that was one of the answers. And it's not like it isn't. I think it's one of many tools to use. But I'm not as close to it anymore. So that that being said, I do think it's interesting how our minds and our bodies, whether consciously or subconsciously, tend to shift as a result of what's happening with the environment. And I'm thinking about this in terms of water, because what's true to me with astrology, or maybe not astrology, so much is like, the moon phases themselves. And there's connection there, I'm sure I just don't know it is that I can't remember who told me this, or maybe where I read it. But, of course, our bodies are impacted by the phases of the moon, because the moon has the power to impact water. And if our bodies are made up of 90 plus percent of water, therefore can have an impact on us. And that feels very, that feels very real to me.

Jill: You know, what made this feel super real to me. And there's a piece of me that is so embarrassed that I didn't know this until I was 40. We're gonna toss it out there. So I went to get acupuncture. And I was working with a woman who works with women in fertility, and I wasn't there for fertility. I had just heard about her. Heard, she was great. I needed to connect with her. So I'm like, Yep, let's do it. And so we're going through and we're doing the acupuncture and she was talking about my cycle and you know, some of those sorts of things. And, you know, if I get cramps and how my mood shifts, and just some of my different sort of symptoms that happen with PMS. And we were talking about it, she goes, well, like your cycles on every 28 days. And I'm like, Yeah, okay. Sure. And she's like, you know, it's like, the moon phase is every 28 days. And I'm like, wait, what, like, so my period is connected to the phases of the moon. She's like, Yeah, and my mind was just totally fucking blown. me like I am so disconnected from what's happening with my lady parts. And I don't know if it's because I don't have children. And I've never had to pay attention to what was going on down there. And I haven't had anything terrible happen to me where I had to be paying attention to anything that's happening down there. I have no idea what's happening down there.

Shakira: Oh god, there's a woman you have to I'm going to send you her information. Her name is Qiddist and she is like an, what is it called an herbalist plus, like a womb healer, doula, all the things she had to teach? I don't know. She doesn't anymore. But she used to teach like a womb. A womb healing course. I can't remember if I told you that about this, it was years ago that I've taken this, it was over zoom. Of course, during the pandemic, when I was doing all this shit. That was one of them. And it was interesting for me, because as someone who doesn't have a cycle anymore, I thought that I don't have a space or place within that course because you're talking a lot about the connection to your cycle and the moon and your whether or not, you menstrate during the full moon or the new moon. And what each one of those signifies. But what I got out of it for me, because I was very open and vocal about the fact that I don't have a uterus is that it is so much womanhood, and femininity, and all the things that are connected to a woman are so much more than just the part of the uterus. Like, it didn't really strike me as true until she gave me permission to feel or see that. So I think it's interesting that you also like the connection with children. And giving birth and you know what that means. That as far as the ultimate and the divine feminine and your disconnection to that as a result of being childless by choice.

Jill: Correct. That's an interesting point, because I have actually, did I tell you about the woman. One time, I think this was in my mid 20s, my late 20s asked me if I had kids, and I said, No, and she's like, well, how can you feel like a whole woman?

Shakira: Wow, yeah.

Jill: I was just like, Ah, well, first of all, fuck you. Second of all how do you know why I don't have children? What if I can't have children? And now here you are shaming me for something.

Shakira: Yeah, now you're not a woman. What the fuck?

Jill: Listen here lady.

Shakira: Wow. The boldness of some people like saying this shit. Oh the boldness yeah I am I feel like you know maybe this is going to take a different turn to based off of what we talked about earlier like that always happens but I've been listening to I felt the last few days I've heard a lot of podcasts talk about being childless generally by choice and what it means to be 40, 50, 60 and up and what life could look like or yeah, what life could look like as a result of that choice and whether there's some guilt or yeah, guilt maybe isn't the right word but regret as a result of that choice.

Jill: Yeah, I think guilt could be guilt in what you have. I feel like could be something right good guilt in just sort of like the difference in your life experiences and what you do with your free time. What you do with your time all the time with children, because I can't, yeah, it's it's a different world.

Shakira: Yeah, the mothering thing too. I think in relation to that guilt or maybe the you don't feel like that comment of How do you what is it? Why don't you feel like a woman? How do you want to?

Jill: Yeah, how do you how can you how can you be a real How can you feel like a woman?

Shakira: I just can't get over the fucking audicity. I can't get over it. But in that course, that womb healing course, which I hope to God, I'm getting the name right. If not, I will correct myself. Yeah, yeah, I'll send it all to you. She talks about mothering. And again, I was so myopic in my perspective of what mothering meant. Because I always associated it with having children. Yeah. But when I take a step back, and I think of what is mothering? How would I define that? I think it's the caring for something. It's the unconditional love. It's the nurturing of something. It's the watching something grow into whatever it independently is supposed to be or it wants to be. Supporting that, again, the unconditional piece. The availability of oneself to something that you are caring for. I can think of all the different ways in which I would define mothering. I can think of all the different ways in which I have therefore mothered myself as a result of maybe not receiving or being able to articulate the kind of mothering that I would want to my mother. Maybe her capacity for giving the kind of mothering that I have no idea how to articulate. I realize, like, there are so many ways that I'm actually doing that kind of work, I have a shit ton of plants, they do not take the place of children. This is not a comparison, but the act of mothering them in that sense and that definition is very true. And I see that come out with you know that care. My dog who is officially human.

Jill: Yep, yep. Yep. Your relationships. The relationships that you have.

Shakira: Yes, exactly. The relationships, how I show up, how I nurture, how I can let them be independent of me. And it's not a codependency of, they have to do something that therefore makes me feel a certain way, happy or afraid.

Jill: Absolutely. Or that you know, overpowering the situation or controlling the situation, whatever. 100% 100%

Shakira: 100% 100%. It was really helpful for me to kind of take a step back and think of it in that way which therefore, to me, validates my woman-ness bitch.

Jill: That other woman from whatever year ago that was.

Shakira: Yeah, it definitely affirms my femininity and my connection to what I would call the divine feminine. So that yeah, it was really I love that. I love that perspective. But I also love the fact that you're not absent of your womanhood as a result of not having kids give me a break.

Jill: And I never felt that I have been, right. Yeah, that was never a thing for me. And I think up until like, my 30s I probably wasn't quite sure if I was gonna have kids or not so. Yeah. I had plans. Well, first of all, I got married at 22 for fuck sake, okay. Yeah, so then it was alright, I'm married at 22, by 25 of them have my first child by 27 I'd have my second child. Here we go. And then come, 30 Jeff and I are like, thisi si kind of nice. Yeah. So it's kind of nice. Like, I'm kinda like in our lifestyle. This is pretty, it's pretty fun. Let's, yeah, let's not have kids. Move forward with our new plan. Let's keep doing this. Keep doing this. Yeah,

Shakira: I had no idea that there was a point in your life where you actually were I felt you were born with the decision. Like, yeah, I'm good on that. I'm good.

Jill: I think I was up until a certain age like I was in the well, this is how life is supposed to be. I'm supposed to have the two kids the husband, the picket fence, the cul de sac, which I did live in the cul de sac. I had the fence. I had the dog. Had the husband, had the family nearby. Like I had all of the things. And then I'm like, Oh, wait, but there's another way. Let's take that other way.

Shakira: Does someone model that for you that triggered that

Jill: My friend Denise, you've met Denise. So her and her idea? husband, Dan, and like, they lived in our cul de sac and they Did not seem to sway either of you at all. were, I don't know, what are they maybe five to seven years older than us. And we would go places with them. And Jeff and I are like, God, I really like their lifestyle. They got a lot of money. They can travel and just go. They get to hang out and do whatever they want. Like this is kinda cool. And then I remember we were driving up to we used to go camping with all of our neighbors. I've had one of our neighbors cabins. And we were driving up there and we stopped off at our local, you know, breakfast joint that we always went to every year. And Dan and Denise, were just like, hey, we got some news, you know, and this was I think Denise was 41, 42. And I think Dan was like, 45, 46. So they were older. She's like, Yeah, we're having a baby. And we're all like, yay. And Jeff and I get in the car and go Well dammit, they're no longer now our mentors. We're not Yeah, no, but I mean, they have a beautiful little girl. And she's extremely fortunate to have amazing parents that she has. So yeah, I mean that their life turned out just as great just perfect. But I would say they're they were the ones that modeled sort of this lifestyle for us that we've enjoyed.

Shakira: I would love to have Denise on this podcast talking about that journey from childless by I'm assuming by choice at that point. And to like, Oh, shit. Here we are, you know, these parents. You know, in our 40s having kids and what that's been like how they Yeah, I'm very curious about that. I do go back and forth. And thank you too, for sharing about your path to basically flip the script on the whole like, yeah, I don't want this life. I don't want I'm not about that life. I am. I think similarly to you. I felt that this was like what you should do, like, you know, you find a partner, you get married, you have a kid like, of course, I think that's just sort of ingrained in our society as like, yeah, you know, the path amongst, you know, other whatever. Bs but, and there are a lot of people and this is no disrespect. There are a lot of people who want that path. Yeah, absolutely. And I was I almost wish I was one of them how comforting and convenient for me to just be like, Oh, shit, it's already laid out for me. I can do this. And I want it. But I think it always felt very forced to me. Like, all of it felt very forced, and that I was trying to convince myself that this is the path that I should should take to the point where as you know, I've been engaged a few times. Still thinking like, oh, yeah, this is what I'm supposed to do. I was just supposed to do this right. But maybe sort of internally battling what was what I really wanted versus what I was supposed to do. And kids was always something that I felt this anxiety towards, like, I just could not see myself as a mom. So I was gonna hold that off until the cows come home and then thankfully, I had a hysterectomy. So the choice was fucking made for me. I can't tell you how grateful I was for that. Oh, man. grateful, very grateful.

Jill: Well, and I think that there's a ton, right that sort of like, like you said, wrapped up in that convincing of this is how it's supposed to be and I'm a true believer in the things that are meant for you feel right for you. Whereas if you're consistently having all of this resistance, that means you're out of alignment, right? So we were talking about this earlier as far as like astrology and things like that, like, your soul has a purpose. When you are born into an energy, your soul has a purpose. Your purpose was not to be the mother of another child. It was, yeah, no, you're discovering that it's part of it as mothering yourself and getting yourself through this journey. And so there's this, there's this other, you know, definition for you of what you're supposed to learn in this life. Right. And so for me, like, you know, I was telling you about, you know, all of the different things that I was doing this weekend of going to aurapalooza and getting my witchcraft on, because that feeds my soul. But yeah, my purpose is to be here to inspire and empower others to be like, their most authentic self. And when I find that I'm not doing those things that I'm out of that alignment, then all of a sudden, like, just the walls come crumbling down, right. It's just interesting as to how those those things happen. Right? So like for you and speaking of that, hysterectomy, it's just like, you know, chaos of thinking that it's supposed to be a different way and going from engagement to engagement to engagement of well, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Because this is what society is telling me to do. Your soul is like, no, bitch. Not. So here's your hysterectomy. Stop thinking about it.

Shakira: Relax. Yeah, relax. Absolutely. I do. I don't think it's weird. I never really felt when that was happening at which I don't remember. I think it was 28 I never really felt bad about it. There were a couple things I felt really great about actually six weeks off of work.

Jill: A couple silver linings. Drugs, time off of work.

Shakira: Time off of work. Drugs. Ah, no more periods. Fuckin great. I was more excited about that shit, than I was over the fact of possibly not having kids. And like you said, it kind of took the choice away from me. And for me, that felt like, you know, God, thank God, it's me and not someone else who really wants to have children. And that possibility is going to be really difficult for them. Like I felt blessed. Like for so many reasons. One I didn't feel like I wanted to have children. I was really on the fence with it. And then two that it wasn't someone else who really wanted that because I've seen my friends go through the pain of not being able to get pregnant. And I just couldn't relate to that desire, but I felt the pain of their pain of not having the ability to be able to have kids.

Jill: yeah. And I think and again, if the if the choice is something that if you were meant to have children, you could still do that in other avenues, with adoption and things. Like, but it just wasn't wasn't for you.

Shakira: I wasn't meant to carry a baby. Yeah, and I have thought about adoption. In fact, the older I get, the more I do think about it. Surprise. Surprise. It is for me.

Jill: I'm on the market again. I should not be so cavalier. I'm sorry.

Shakira: Just in case you know, you're top of the list. Yeah, I definitely I've thought about it. I don't know I still have no idea. Like if that's something I would ever pursue, but it's a I think I have comfort in the feeling of there. If that is an option for me. That will probably have been the only option for me whether I was in my 20s or my 30s and like that is that is my path if I decide I want to have kids 100%, 100%.

Jill: How about being with somebody that has children?

Shakira: That is a different fucking story. I don't think I can do it. That's absolute no. I'm good on that. I say that now. I haven't met the person that I would want to sacrifice sounds like such a strong word but I would want to consider being with if they had kids it's just a no for me man like I don't want to deal with the whole baby mama and yeah, got on all of that I'm good on all that. I also have a problem being second best and you know you're always second choice. I want to be first choice all the time every time so, there's that. Um, no. I love my nieces and my nephew like, my niece and my nephew and I feel like that's also an opportunity for me to mother is I get a you know, not just my blood niece and nephew but so many co worker friends or friends that have kids that I can just be a godmother, like I can just like I can be me without having that pressure of I can't say that word. I shouldn't do that. I have to be a model. Do you know what I mean? Like they have to be the models, I can actually be the role model for what you shouldn't do. You shouldn't say. That is my role.

Jill: You get to have a different relationship with

Shakira: Boujee Auntie them.

Jill: I like this fun, boujee auntie.

Shakira: That I can do. And another option, you know, to your to your point of Denise being that model. I get to provide another option or another model of agency in the way to live, I have agency and you have that agency to live what's true for you and how you feel that feels very, that feels like a purposeful position for me to be in in regards to the children in my life.

Jill: I like that. All right. What's your takeaway for today?

Shakira: My takeaways, actually, I probably need to really consider my singleness. And whether or not I'm like, I'm more comfortable being single, that I am being with somebody who may have kids like, you know, I think I need to do some thinking about that. I've never really, which is interesting. I've never considered that as a question I need to sort of ask myself, so I'm gonna kind of like jot that down and to do some, some soul searching on that. Like, are you interested in being in relationship with someone who has kids? Or are you not?

Jill: It could be a real good start to your dream journal?

Shakira: Could be. That could be.

Jill: This person that you're dreaming into existence?

Shakira: Yeah. Do they have babies? And if so, do I want them? I don't know. I gotta ask myself that. What about you?

Jill: My take away is this whole new definition of mothering oneself. And the little takeaway points that you learned from the womb healer.

Shakira: Thank you. This was, again.

Jill: For any of our male listeners, there is still opportunity, a). for you to understand what women go through as mothers. But yet you also have a female, energetic side to you.

Shakira: Absolutely.

Jill: Which is the left side of your body. So if you ever have any, like hip pain, knee pain, anything hanging on that left side, take a look at any of the women in your life, or that you no longer have in your life, and what's that relationship like and to be thinking about how you can still nurture in ways that a mother would nurture.

Shakira: That is so interesting, because we could absolutely go off on a tangent here. I know we're wrapping up. But we could go on a tangent here about the masculine and the feminine specifically, and where and how there is or is not balance in yourself in any oneself. And how do you come to balance those things out? Like I never really considered this as part of where we would go with this, but I'm kind of thinking I have a lot of thoughts about this. I think we need to do a part two on this.

Jill: We'll take it to the next episode. And that's all we got for now. See you next time, my friends.

Shakira: Byeee.

RESOURCES:

Ganesh Mantra - Remove Obstacles

YouTube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz5NN-TKtQE&list=RDC0yPwkXmI1Y&index=4

Instagram folks to check out:
Qiddist Ashe @thewombroom.com

Astrotwins (Astrology) @astrotwins

Jessa Walters (Natal chart and readings) @jessawalters

Meghan Berg (Acupuncturist ) @mothermoonacupuncture